First off, a dirty table is completely unacceptable. I know that others have dined before me, and hopefully thousands of them because the place I am eating is that good; I just don’t want to think about it. Even worse, I don’t want to see remnants of what they were eating. So for all those restaurateurs out there, please take special note to be well staffed enough to have those tables spotless right after the previous diners are done.

Along with that, make sure that whatever rag you are using to clean up includes one to dry it off. Seeing streaks of likely bacterial invested water from your quick clean up job is just about as disgusting as a dirty table.

Now on to my peeve of the day, the table that moves. I realize there are a myriad of reasons why a table can be unstable. That tile floor can’t be expected to be perfectly flat of course, and the table legs are designed to go on a flat surface. Then there is the bozo that can’t help but manhandle the table when moving around your entire middle dining area to accommodate his party of 50 friends and family. Whatever the reason may be, it just bugs me to have a table that amplifies my bad manners of putting my elbows on the table.

Yeah, I admit it, I all too often lean in on my meal with an elbow or two resting on the table. Bad habit I know, but it happens. But that aside, some tables are so imbalanced that simply removing your beverage cup can cause a shifting of the delicate balance akin to the sway of a boat at sea.

Of course I don’t sit and stew or make a nuisance of myself by complaining about my seating arrangements. Instead of grab a napkin or two, fold them up to the necessary thickness, and place it under the offending leg. Most people I dine with know of my need to stability when eating, so they have made it a part of the initial sitting down routine to hold up the leg and help me get things in order. Others grin and are somewhat impressed by my McGyver like ingenuity; at least secretly inside they are.

So, I don’t like ‘em, but I have my own little solution to fix the situation. No instability while I enjoy my meal. Can’t stand it. Ugh.

What gets me is the newer bottles dressings come in, particularly ranch dressing.  Some of them have started including a squeeze style spout that makes it much handier to control the flow vs the old standard pour method.  There are some bottle styles where you know they will include the new squeeze style, but if you have a standard style bottle, it is a bit of hit or miss.  Our local store doesn’t always stock the “known” bottle style, so when we purchase a regular bottle, it is pretty much hit or miss.  We have looked the bottle over, and there is no indication which style spout you are getting.

I know, big deal, right?  I beg to differ.  When you have kids under the age of ten, and multiple of them at that, having a flow control spout is a point of interest.  This is especially true when your previous bottle was a nice controlled version, and the new one isn’t.  Kids, and us adults for that matter, get used to simply tipping over the bottle and squirting out how much you want.  With a regular pour spout, this approach brings an unwelcome surprise.  “Have a little salad with your dressing” is the common joke for the situation.

With a dressing such as ranch, I just can’t see why you would ever not want a spout that controls the flow.  Does anyone really like globs dressing spaced throughout your salad instead of a nice spread out small stream?

Of course if I was really doing it the right way I would do the fork-dip method the weight loss programs suggest, but then that wouldn’t be all that much fun now would it?!

Food is good.  I love food, and recently my weight shows that fact a bit.  I’m working on that, or least planning to :)  There are really not that many foods I don’t like in fact.  I enjoy the smells, flavors, satisfaction of being full.  The only thing I really don’t like about food is seeing it in your mouth or hearing the process of it being chewed (mastication for all you over-educated types).  There is not much in this world that bugs me more than this.  If you want to drive me out of a room, I have just clued you in to a very simple way it can be done.

I have kids, four of them in fact, therefore this is an annoyance I deal with on a daily basis.  I know my kids think of me as the grumpy old guy that is constantly reminding them to close their mouth when they chew, not to talk with their mouth full, etc.  They need to establish the good habits now, not only for my sanity by that of all the other well mannered people of the world.  Yet, with kids I have much more patience for it; hey, their kids.  They are learning and they do try, their attention span just isn’t developed well enough to allow them to realize that what I just told them still applies 30 seconds later.  They will get it eventually, if they live that long….

You all know exactly what I am talking about, admit it.  Ever had a group of friends over for a meal, and there is that one guy (yes, usually a guy) that thinks the best time to talk is right after having taken a bite?  Usually this person is annoying on many levels, including feeling the need to comment on every point made by someone else.  This incessant need to continually be a part of the conversation prevents them from fully enjoying a single bit of food without displaying it for the rest of us to observe.  Does he want us to see that he is eat the food, or does he really not want our eye contact when he is talking, because that is what ends up happening.  We all try to look at each other, our plates, anywhere other than in his direction while bits of food splatter the plate, tablecloth and serving dishes around him.  I try to take note of what was in his vicinity and avoid any seconds of that food item.  Ever seen someone ask that a dish of food be passed their direction only for them to place it by them and not take any?  There’s a reason…think hard, you’ll get it.

What really gets me is adults that haven’t picked up this simple ability to keep those lips together once you have put something in it.  I don’t care if it is a meal at a table, snack in the office, gum in the car or nachos at the game.  I am sure that food is great, I just don’t want to see or hear it in the process!  You’re an adult, you’ve had a long time to pick up the skill.  I think the worst part is my inability to say anything corrective to an adult on such a simple thing.  Yes, my wife knows this drives me nuts, I can tell her anything of course.  She is actually very good at the closed mouth thing, but I can’t even stand hearing a juicy apple chewed up right next to me when I am watching a show – this she does without thinking but gets the message when I pause the show until she is done with her apple :)

If you have any inclination to think I am wrong on this topic, and I’m not, just do a quick search on the web about “chewing with your mouth open.”  Before I write most posts on this site I like to do a quick Google search to see what other people think.  There is no shortage of comments.  This “rate-it” site is just one example.
Back to adults though.  Why can’t I say anything, because then I am the annoying guy that barks at people about stupid little things, like I’m perfect and don’t have annoying habits.  Not going to be that guy.  So, instead, I just fume, and try usually unsuccessfully to not notice it.  Ever tried to do that, not notice things that bug you now that you have noticed it?  Doesn’t happen.  So what can I do?  I think I am doing it now – try to raise my kids up right write about it here so that hopefully, maybe just a few people in the world will take note and shut their mouths, at least when there is food in it.

Just think of the change in your reaction when that bozo cuts you off on your morning drive to work.  Or how about the office idiot that somehow finds a new way to bug you each and every day?  No longer do you need to be chained to your negative emotions!  Turn that moment into a bit of humor for us all to enjoy.  I never thought of it before, but WhatsGottaGo.com could be the catalyst for bringing about world peace.  I just threw that in there for fun, really.  I am not that self-absorbed and deranged, but it sounded nice.

No, WGG isn’t going to change the world, but if it can make you laugh for a few minutes out of your day and perhaps get you to laugh at that very moment when previously something might have tipped you over the edge, then I have accomplished my goal.  So, next time you hold up your baby (or grandbaby, or someone else’s baby) and he/she hurls up every last drop of the recent bottle on your clean shirt, just smile and come visit WGG to share the moment.

Food is not one of those areas I typically feel good about opening up the wallet for. I enjoy eating out, and periodically I will take my wife to a “nice” restaurant and spend more than my normal budget for an outing. Rarely do I feel like I got the value for what was spent. Sure, I enjoy a good slab of meat like the next guy, but I have a hard time feeling like one steak is $40+ more in value than the next one. Outback tends to rank right up with Ruth’s Cris in my humble opinion.

Of course when you are at a “fine dining” establishment, they assume you enjoy spending your hard earned cash in large quantities. Want to appear really good, instead of pricing for menu items use the word “market” especially on seafood items. Even finer the establishment, no pricing included at all. If you need to ask, you don’t belong here is basically what they are saying.

I guess what really bugs me though is the quality of the food you get for the money. I know, presentation, blah, blah, blah. I like a well put together plate, and the combination of foods is great, but really it is the quality of food that matters. A salad needs to have quality lettuce with a good combination of flavors. The steak needs to be cooked properly, seasoned to perfection and above all moist – I HATE dry meats. Portion size should be appropriate, not these tiny things on huge plates and a dribble of sauce in some fancy shmancy pattern. Appetizers shouldn’t be priced like an entre any other restaurant.
John Chow brought this to mind with his blog post about a really expensive hamburger. I cannot even begin to imagine spending that kind of dough for any kind of burger. On my trip to NY last week I had a $17 “steak burger” and the Red Eye Grill and left unsatisfied to say the least. It did not even compare to my brother-in-law’s creation on his humble backyard grill. By the way, the secret to having a moist, thick burger that stays together…mix in some shredded cheese to the burger. Acts like glue and a keeps the burger oh so moist even when you cook it through. Don’t say you never learned anything from this site :)

So, what will I do about this distaste (pun intended) for expensive food. Nothing really. I don’t frequent places that have pricey food anyway, and when I do it is typically on a special occasion, so there is more to the evening than just the value of the food for what I spend. I can still rant about it though :)

How many times have you ordered chicken nuggets and only got one stinking little packet of dipping sauce?

I mean, if you order a 6 piece, you should at least get 2!!!

And on top of that, let’s say you ask for another one… you normally get this:

“NORMALLY we charge .25 cents for extra dipping sauce…. ”

1) I don’t give a hoot about .25 cents and quite frankly, I can’t think of anyone else who does either… if I want extra sauce I am willing to pay for it

2) Do I really NEED to be notified? Do I look like I don’t have a quarter to spare?

3) Here’s an idea… how about charging .25 cents more for the nuggets and the ones who don’t want sauce will more than make up for your “overwhelming 25 cent loss” due to this bizarre dipping sauce shortage.

Give me a break and I might just frequent your establishment a little more often.

I hate tipping. I hate that it has become mandatory in certain “service” industries. I paying this “hidden tax” on things that should be paid for in their published price. I should be free to reward great service when I feel so inclined, not feel like I am a cheat if I don’t provide a generous sum on top of the (usually greatly overpriced) amount I am paying already.

Does this mean I penalize the waiter at the restaurant because I hate the practice? No, that is punishing the wrong person. I actually was a waiter for all of three months. Hated it. Hated dealing with people that were rude and hated when I didn’t make enough to merit the hard work of the night. I live in an area where, in general, people are cheap. Heck, I admit to being a bit cheap myself. What bothered me most, though, is that the restaurant completely takes advantage of the even-lower-than-everything-else minimum waged allowed for waiting tables. At the time it was $2.65 or something like that…PER HOUR. It was expected I would make my money by being a stellar waiter and getting good tips. I did ok, even in the cheap town I college live in. But, after I would work a shift (particularly a night shift) it was mandatory for me to do my counting out, cleaning up stations, floors, etc. as part of my “privilege” for having worked the shift. It would typically take me an hour and a half to close down…at $2.65/hr! That’s slave labor if I have ever heard of it.

Why should restaurants be able to factor in the profits of paying wait staff so little. Shouldn’t this cost be factored into the price of the meal? Tips should be a bonus, not part of the base pay.

Now, what is up with the handouts for even the simplest of tasks. Doormen and bellhops, don’t even get me started on that area. Taxi drivers…is a tip just to say “thanks for not killing me?” What bothers me the most is when I really don’t feel like I have gotten a worthwhile level of service, yet the “service” individual feels includes to hold out their hand or stand there in a very awkward pause obviously expecting a handout. This is nothing more than a high pressure push on your guilt factor. Guess what, I don’t have any guilt when the service sucked. I won’t see you again, so suck it up.

Do I reward great service? You betcha. Often generously. I appreciate when someone goes the extra mile and I’ll pull out the wallet to say thanks. That is what tipping is about. All the rest of you schmucks that expect the dole rather than work for it, you won’t be getting it from me.

Here are a couple of articles I found looking up the history of tipping:

• CNN Money – Advanced Tipping
• How Stuff Works – How Tipping Works
• MetroActive Dining – Tipping Lore

Edit: This one is just for fun – I can’t image spending this much on a meal for six, but hey, you do what you enjoy.  The part that sends me for a spin, the mandatory $200 tip.  No way the service was worth $200 bucks.