The Way Kids Choose to Show Independence
May 1st, 2007 by Jeremy
This last weekend I went camping with my family and a neighbor family. We both have camp trailers, so we decided to reserve side-by-side spots at a campground and make a weekend out of it. We all had a great time and the weekend was great. Camping trips take a fair amount of effort on the preparation side of things, but they are typically well worth it.
I have always said that if you really want to get to know someone, travel with them. This is particularly true if you go camping with someone - their true personality comes through. When you see someone first thing in the morning prior to their routine that makes them at their normal self, you get to observe who they really are. Plus, when you spend more than passing time with some, now seeing them for most of the day and night, you see people both during their highs and lows during the day.
Fortunately the friends we were with are pretty even keeled; but they do have a teenage daughter that has given them troubles in recent years. When I say troubles, a little more than the typical rebelliousness that all teenagers seem to try out at some point. For the most part, the most difficult times seem to be behind them, but who knows. She still has to make it a point to do the opposite of what her parents say or want, just to show she is in control.
The parents let her bring a friend along on this trip, likely hoping it would make the event a bit more fun for everyone if she was in a better mood. For the most part this worked, so good planning on their part. On the second day, all the kids were having fun playing in the lake that was all of 100 feet from our camping site. This is in southern Utah, so the weather was hot and the sun was beating down on us. We had all the kids lather up with the sunblock lotion, but the two teenage girls decided not to put any on.
This was a conscious and vocal decision on their part. In their minds, they didn’t need it and their parents were treating them like kids by telling them they needed to do it. Both parents kept reminding the two girls throughout they day that they were getting burnt, and they really needed to put on lotion or get out of the sun. The responses always ranged from “whatever” to “leave us alone” in their ongoing act of defiance.
By nightfall, the tune had changed. Now feeling the effects of the heavy duty first degree burns, the girls were continuously moaning about their pain. Not only did they feel the need to remind us of how much they were hurting, they were blaming her parents for being so irresponsible for not having brought aloe vera lotion to treat their burns. No amount of reminding them of the day filled with warnings of the consequences of not wearing lotion could break through these thick teenage skulls. This was clearly the parents fault, and they would hear nothing different.
I have two very young little girls, and this weekend scares me at what I future I have to look forward to! I have an 8 year old boy going through a very defiant stage right now, and I see my 5 year old girl taking mental notes and at times trying to imitate him. I try everything I can to not feed the defiance and hopefully shape a rapid passing through this phase in hopes it doesn’t stick.
Yet, I still wonder, no matter what I do is there no hope? Am I headed for the senseless teenage acts of defiance regardless of my efforts? Please, tell me it isn’t so!
I wish I could tell you it’s not so but it is. I always thought my kids would never act that way but I am starting to believe that nature takes its course and kids go through stages.
Yet I don’t think I was allowed to behave that way. Either times have changed or perhaps it is the air?
I wish you the best.
Melissa
Well I will give you a small ray of hope and tell you there is differing levels of teenage defiance. Just like training a dog…if you neglect housebreaking a dog when it is a puppy no amount of rolled up newspaper is gonna keep a 5 year old dog from peeing on your rug. So many parents from lack of time, lack of no how or just plain lack of caring make their small children understand the house rules and that parents make as well as enforce these rules. The screaming 3 year old that throws a fit in Toys R Us and gets the power ranger will grow up to be the 13 year old that says, “whatever…” when told to put on the sun screen. All of it boils down to respect…my 15 (16 in 4 days)daughter has been made aware of the house rules…she has been taught respect…she doesn’t have to agree with the rules or mine or my husband’s ruling but the rules stand. If she doesn’t listen…she loses her currency be it iPod, cell phone, computer…whatever makes the most dent in her teenage ego that week…just like a crate helps train a puppy…boundaries helps with a child.
We are not overly strict but we do expect a certain level of respect of us and of herself. If it had been my daughter she would have said “whatever” once and been out of the sun enjoying her camping weekend in the trailer. And if the attitude kept up…we would have packed up and gone home. I am raising a person that needs to be able to take what life has to offer her and not think she can get away with disrespect and not following authority. I feel very sad for your friend’s teenage daughter as she needed boundaries set when she was younger. Jeremy yours are young…you can help make the teenage years easier for you as well as them. My husband and I never spanked her but taught her by having every action have a consequence. Her choice to have it a good one versus a bad one. Good Luck!