Not sure how to say this, but…
Feb 4th, 2007 by Lezhai
How does someone tell someone else that their loved one has passed on? “Um, sorry to tell ya but your Granny just kicked the bucket.” “Hate to be the one to tell you, but…..” ect. Unfortunately this subject is something my family has had to address more than once. More than once a brother or sister has been offended because you bluntly tell them that someone has just died. Fortunately we have figured out a way to let the “cat out of the bag” without having to say the exact words. Let me elaborate….
Many, Many years ago (okay probably only 10 years ago) my brother told us all a joke. To be honest I can’t remember how the EXACT joke went, but I will give you the gist of it.
“A man left his beloved cat in the care of his friend, while he was on vacation. A few days into his vacation he got a call from the cat sitter.
He said casually “Sorry dude your cat died”.
Bewildered he said “That was a rather careless way to tell me my beloved cat died”,
Realizing his mistake the cat sitter said “Oh, I meant, your cat is on the roof”
“What is she doing on the roof”
Anyways, since that is about as far into the joke I recall, I will continue with my rant. So now our code to tell someone in the family that a loved one is either going to pass away, or has already, we say “Grandma’s on the roof” they know exactly what we are talking about and take out the uncomfortable way to inform someone their loved one is dying. Since death is a touchy subject for most people this can seem very callouse or light. Well, IT IS, that is how my family works, we joke about everything. It is how we function as a family and how we deal with touchy subjects. So when I got the call that my Grandmother was “on the roof” I knew what it meant.
So I am curious to know how other people deal with uncomfortable way to deliver unexpected and sad news.
- No related posts
First sorry for your loss Lezhai.
My family has dealt with this many many times over…in this last few years alone we have buried 5 close family members. Not really wanting the task myself but I’ve been chosen on a few occasions to be the one to make the calls to family and friends. I find I take into consideration the person’s personality I am contacting in the “how” I share the sad news. Sometimes it might be to distant family/friends that were not even completely aware the person was ill…that is the hardest. I always take time to share a good memory or two with the person after breaking the news…leaving that good memory as their final thought before I say goodbye.
It is never easy but I find I feel the most comfortable in passing on the info with respect for everyone involved. And a touch of humor if that person would benefit from it.
Again please except my condolences on your grandmother’s passing.
Lezhai - also my condolences on your loss.
I too have had a few occasions already to lose close family. There really is no easy way to broach the subject, especially since everyone seems to handle it in different ways. Fortunately *most* of my family is very like minded, takes it in stride and pulls together for support. We too tend to be a very joking family, even in hard times. My father’s memorial was the best I have ever attended because it was like a big family & friend reunion where we laughed and celebrated the great times of his life. In fact, his eulogy was given by two of his best friends, fishing and hunting buddies that told stories that would have had Patrick McManus taking notes for a new book release. I don’t think there is a better way to do it.
Jeremy your family sounds a LOT like mine. When my mother was dying, a few years ago, hospice was making her comforable in the front room of her home. (She hated hospitals and refused to die in one) The whole family was there around her laughing and joking about anything and everything. I had a friend show up to show her support and she was all but appauled at our making light around our mother. I know my mother loved it and we had a great time getting together. It helped ease our mothers passing.
This is an interesting post and I feel the need to respond. We have always had the same kind of trouble expressing the loss to each other and have just decided to go with the blunt truth of “so and so died.” This helps to clear up any confusion about what happened or how to keep from having to explain a lot. The fewer the words the better. Now, having said that…it’s another story when it comes to pet parakeets. We have had A LOT of rotten luck with the poor things. In the past 6 years, we have had no less than 7 of the cute little feathered friends. Now, I am surprised that some lasted so long…1 1/2 years was the longest. But, everytime we get a new one (I suppose we are gluttens for punishment), our extended family and friends start laying bets on when this one will kick the bucket!!! Seems a shame, but we just love the fun little guys and want to keep one so much. Now, we just talk about all the parakeets that “kick the bucket,” “go to the giant bird cage in the sky,” “fly off to the heavens,” or “fly the coop!!”
We all have our own way of dealing with loss and we shouldn’t always be serious or somber. We should celebrate the lives that the fabulous people lived. We should share all the cherished memories to help to keep the person “alive in our hearts.” When my mother passed away sudenly 3 years ago, when my sister died of cancer two years ago and when my sister-in-law who was only 37 passed away this past December, we gathered around and shared memories of these people. We talked about our happy memories and we could feel each one smiling down on us glad to be able to have been a part of our lives. I think that is part of what we are all supposed to do. Don’t grieve for the “loss,” but celebrate the “found” of a loved one who will always live in our hearts. (Sorry I got a little sappy!!)