Wanted: Translator Who Speaks Fluent Teenager
Nov 20th, 2006 by Ali
Okay…it has happened…I turned into my mother.
But worst than that somehow during my sleep I was picked up by an alien space ship and dropped on some unknown planet where the residents look like my teenage daughter. This creature has her face, voice and blond hair but the similarities stop there. I was sitting at my kitchen table (or at least the hologram image of my table) innocently sipping my Mocha- Java International Coffee and looked up to see this creature in my daughter’s skin oddly staring back at me. This is where I made my first mistake…I smiled back. Now not realizing I was no longer ON EARTH I wasn’t aware that a smile is the expression of pure hostility on this new planet. The “my daughter look-a-like” glared back at me and yelled, “WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???”
Next mistake…I spoke back. Not knowing the sound of my voice would send this creature into a horrible frenzy of confusion and contempt. In 15 seconds I learned I had caused her break-out on her forehead, her hair being frizzy, her alarm clock waking her up late, someone breaking in over night and stealing ALL her wearable clothes …leaving her NOTHING to wear and I think the Fall of Rome.Third mistake…trying to “reason” with said creature in pink lip gloss. This is where the confusion of the languages came in. I being the kind of mom that offers advice came up with what I thought was a solution to the problems keeping this creature from functioning. I suggested applying some pimple cream to the third eye appearing on her forehead…this I found her ears to hear…WEAR A LARGE SIGN SAYING I AM A PIMPLE COVERED GEEK!
Moving onto the frizzy hair I suggested she use some of the smoothing gel I had searched 15 stores to find…but again her ears heard…WEAR A BAG OVER YOUR HEAD SO NO ONE WILL SEE YOU!
I thought I would be safe discussing the alarm clock…I mentioned how maybe she had hit the snooze button…but in the alien planet air that was heard as…SEE I KEEP TELLING ALL MY FRIENDS HOW LAZY YOU ARE!
Now I must admit by this point my sugar free, fat free Mocha-Java coffee was cold, I was worn out and this may not have been the time to try and “teach” the creature anything…so when I suggested her “nothing to wear” dilemma was maybe caused by her never getting her clothes into the hamper to be washed…I should have known this was declaring war in alien speak. As they say…if looks could kill…well let’s just say I’d be typing this from a cloud. The creature squealed a horrible high pitch wail…flipped it’s hair and stormed out of the room…I was certain to gather reinforcements from it’s fellow creatures and come back to eat me alive. So I decided to re-heat my coffee in the microwave as I would need all the strength I could muster. Now here is the part that just made my day…behind me the creature had been greeted by her father…my husband…and this is the exchange I overheard… “Good Morning sweetie.” “Hi Daddy…I love you, have a good day.” “Love you too.”
And I realized at that moment that the 17 hours of labor pains I had were just hitting their peak now…15 years later.
All my children are still 10 and under, and the girls are the younger ones. Currently the I only experience the young tantrums…I can’t wait for the teenage ones…ugh. This is what I have to look forward to, the joy of parenting :)
Great stuff again Ali. Maybe the Alien abduction theory has some merit?
Ali!! Do you have any boys?? If so, say a prayer of thanks LOL Atleast in my experience!!
Love my “alien” with all my heart, but at 21, I am still the object of her ire!! It’s a love/hate relationship with love on the upswing – SO there is hope!! Just hang in there and keep your incredible sense of humor.
Oh and about dad – there is truth to the “daddy’s girl” thingy :)
So that is what happened to my daughter!!! Alien Abduction – I should have guessed, silly me.. are there any courses we can attend in order to deal with these creatures? if not, who wants to form a self-help group? perhaps the headquarters could be on that beach with the lovely drinks with cutsy umbrellas?
Seriously, laughed my socks off Ali.. another great rant and again, oh so true.
So Pam I am taking it that my lovely, adorable, 10 year old son won’t get quite so bad? pretty please say yes..
SueM
Alison….as you know, I am one of your biggest fans! Can’t wait for the next installment. When I come to your house, I guess the alien hides and sends out the “well behaved alien”. ;o)
Don’t worry Sue, Boys are definately much easier. I have one of each, and boy, did i go through it with my daughter. As soon as she turned 15, she completely changed from my loving helpful girl, to something i didnt recognise. She wasn’t even an alien, more Satans’s daughter, truly evil. It was like she was trying to prove to her new adoptive parent (Satan) how really bad she could be, and i think she managed it. I wont go into the horror stories i could tell you, cos i don’t wanna scare Jeremy, and any other parents of ’still to reach puberty’ young girls, into making the appointment with the Exorcist right now…LOL. She’s 19 now and is well over that stage, but still has a bit of an attitute problem. I can handle that. My son is 16, and, although he too has the usual teenage attitute problem, he’s so much nicer. He still gives me hugs, and whenever he has a problem with anything, he’s a bit more open with them, and we can talk.
Oh boy do I remember this well! My daughter is now 22 and we are the best of friends, but between the ages of 11-14… well let’s just say there were times it was good she could run faster than me and make it to her room to lock her door before I got a hold of her! So hang in there, it does get better!
My son, who is 17, has never given me any trouble. He is the most easy-going, laid back kid.
My 11 year old daughter…. well guess we’ll see! So far so good, but hopefully I will at least be prepared this time.
My mom always told me that the reason my daughter took it out on me was because she felt the closest to me, and felt she could be comfortable enough to do that. So keep that in mind. And above all, just remember to pick your battles! Don’t sweat the small stuff as they say. But the big stuff? Well then they KNOW you mean business!
Ali, we don’t have the problem of needing a teenager translator. Heaven help my kids if they come in talking to me in a language other than MY OWN. And if I ever catch them writing in “street”, that’s a problem also. None of this “yooz” for you or “yo” for any reason, and “Wuz up?” had better be a joke. :)
Thanks for coming to my aid everyone in my Alien War. LOL! In defense of my daughter (before she reads this by chance);) I am truly blessed with a smart, talented, gifted teen! Only occasionally the space ship lands in my backyard….And I’m sure she could write a nice turn about her crazy mom (the one wearing a Donny Osmond sweatshirt to parent night)…sooo I just wanted to say…she’s a keeper!
I only have one child…no sons. I do hear sons are not high maintenance like a girl but I know I’d go crazy with worry if he wanted to play sports so the good Lord knew what to send me.
Glad I made you all chuckle a bit…laughter does get one threw…. :)
Sue – Yep, the odds are good that your son will be a relative piece of cake in comparison LOL
Ali – you described my youngest!
Now I know I’m not the only one at school functions wearing a Donny shirt.
I have a 16 year old girl and a four year old boy. My daughter and my nephew are the same age and my sister has it easy. Me on the other hand a girl is a handful when they are going through their little change. I know that it will get better just as it will for you.